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| It's amazing how much you can do for someone and it doesn't even phase them. I have been counting my blessing from the get go....maybe thats why I have been crying so much. It is so easy to sit back and just wait for tomorrow to come. Not ME. I refuse to become one of the faded and just another number. The last time I even sat down to do what I love...I was called a "Recluse" Thats how it is...Thats how it always may be. I've put my dreams on the back burner for a FUCK job that is only a repetative circle. Same damn thing everyday. Routine. I don't even know how to make something orginal anymore. When you love someone...you do more than just good...you go the extra fucking yard. Even if it pains you...you do what ever you can to support. Sometimes I feel used. Is that selfish? Maybe I am just another tool...for everyone. My parents love unconditional...but what does that even matter anymore...uncondtional. Is love that simple....maybe that's why my family is so unhappy...they are unconditional...they don't stand up for shit. Just takes it as its come and forgive and move on...like unconditional love is....
I am NOT one who has to get to tomorrow. I don't want to live like that, feeling sorry for myself because I am just a tiny speck under a microscope, targeted for observation. I love WHO I love. I guess you should never expect anything back.
Peace and Love....
(for what its worth)
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The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men. Therefore once more I will astound these people with wonder upon wonder; the wisdom of the wise will perish, the intelligence of the intelligent will vanish."
Isaiah 29:13-14
ain't it grand? | | |
| LAST NIGHT, I ATTENDED A SWEATER CHRISTMAS PARTY. THERE, I DRANK TOO MUCH WINE, AND ACCIDENTALLY STOLE A CHEAP SANTA HAT. LATER, I PUKED IN THE DRIVE THRU LINE @ TACO BELL WHERE I THEN ENJOYED A BEAN BURRITO W/EXTRA ONIONS AND PASSED OUT AT HOME.
THE END.
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| I will be 20 years old in less than 2 hours: Renew : verb 1. To make new again; restore: Fresh paint renewed the old barn. 2. To begin or take up again: They renewed their old friendship.3. To arrange for an extension of: We renewed our lease for a year. --these past two decades have been years of learning and training. My next 20 years are going to be dedicated to what I've learned... ...and I will continue learning each day with the knowledge I have gained and heed any obstacle with a smile on my face. | | |
| Torn between what is right in my mind and what is right in the minds of others. I am blindsided by it all. It's amazing how complicated and complex dreams are. "Is it just my fixation or does everything have strings attached." So here I stand, unable to move forward, back, or side to side. My heart tells me to go...but then again, my heart is filled with love for these other people..so what is the "right thing?" My struggles are my own. So why do so many offer to take over? Maybe a feeling of power and domination; maybe it's as simple as caring. ANSWER. There is a volcano of emotions ready to errupt at any given moment. Even the slightest glance or irritated sigh could set it off. I stand strong. Raised by lies and deception...this, is merely an obstacle placed before me to break me from all I've chosen to believe. Shaken? "No." Pissed off? "Absolutly." This is a time when all is left in open hands. Why choose so carelessly? I am a believer in Christ Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Only He, and He alone could ever understand my heart. "In a mans heart he plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9 "I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8 | | |
|  I miss all my friends back at school....I knew it would be hard...but I get sick in my stomach when I think of what I'm missing. *sigh* I'm afraid if I go visit I wont leave.....haha... Music is going well...counting down the days to Nashville and such. I think I'm ready...but its hard to say. Havent really had a moment to veg out. blahhhh
 I have been sick a lot lately too...I ended a relationship and it was hard. Not really like a "relationship" more like a "sucky friendship" blahh...the dramacoaster continues oh well. That took a lot of emotional stress out of my life. I still feel bad though..I didnt want to let him down..but I never was very good in relationships...just cant trust people.
 We leave the 2nd of September and depending on how things go...decides whether or not my mom and I will fly to LA. I pray everything falls into place the way God sees fit.
 Anyway...I love my friends...I love thunderstorms..and I love my savior Jesus Christ.
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